What Is Individuation (And Why No One Told You It Has To Come First)
Photo by Elisha May
Most people are trying to build a life, a relationship, or a business on top of a self they’ve never fully met.
They move faster.
They work harder.
They love deeper.
They try more.
And still - something collapses.
That “something” is almost always the same thing: a missing relationship with Self.
Carl Jung called the process of restoring that relationship individuation.
Not healing.
Not self-improvement.
Not becoming “better”.
But becoming whole.
Individuation: Jung’s Missing Piece
Carl Jung described individuation as:
“The process by which a person becomes a psychological ‘in-dividual’, that is, a separate, indivisible unity or ‘whole’.”
In simple terms:
• it’s the return to your true self
• after years of adaptation, survival, and performance
• often shaped by trauma, unmet needs, or unsafe early environments
Most of us were never taught how to do this.
Instead, we were taught to:
• be useful
• be good
• be needed
• be strong
• be productive
• be agreeable
All of which can look like success - while quietly costing us ourselves.
The Hidden Cost of Self-Abandonment
Self-abandonment isn’t dramatic.
It doesn’t always look like breakdown.
Often it looks like:
• overworking
• staying in relationships that drain you
• prioritising others’ needs above your own
• being “the strong one”
• avoiding conflict to keep connection
• losing yourself inside roles
Many people self-abandon for years without realising it. I did…
Especially those who:
• grew up emotionally unsupported
• didn’t have safe guidance or containment
• learned early that love was conditional
• had to grow up too fast
Work becomes a refuge.
Relationships become survival strategies.
Busyness becomes identity.
And eventually, the body or psyche calls time.
Individuation Is Not Additive - It’s Subtractive
This is the part people miss.
Individuation is not about adding more:
• more success
• more productivity
• more relationships
• more spiritual practices
It’s about removing what isn’t you.
Jung was clear on this:
“The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are.”
That privilege often arrives disguised as crisis:
• burnout
• relationship collapse
• loss
• illness
• emotional exhaustion
• a sense of “I can’t live like this anymore”
Individuation begins when you stop abandoning yourself to survive.
The Stages of Individuation (In Real Life)
While not linear, most people move through recognisable phases:
1. Recognition
You realise something is off.
You may say:
• “I don’t feel like myself.”
• “I’m tired of pretending.”
• “This isn’t sustainable.”
This is often uncomfortable - but necessary.
2. Withdrawal of Projection
You stop expecting:
• work to fulfil you
• relationships to save you
• others to complete you
This can feel lonely.
It’s also deeply stabilising.
3. Reclaiming the Self
You begin asking:
• What do I need?
• What do I value?
• Who am I without performance?
This is where many people slow down dramatically.
4. Nervous System Reorganisation
The body learns new patterns:
• rest without guilt
• presence without urgency
• boundaries without fear
• connection without collapse
This phase can take 6–12 months or more, especially after long-term self-abandonment.
5. Re-entry Into the World
Only now does:
• sustainable love
• grounded leadership
• aligned work
• healthy intimacy
become possible without repeating old patterns.
Why Individuation For Some Comes Before Love and Money
You cannot build:
• a stable relationship
• a thriving business
• true intimacy
• sustainable success
on a self that is fragmented.
Money cannot land in a system that self-abandons.
Love cannot stay in a system that disappears.
Individuation creates:
• internal safety
• emotional containment
• self-trust
• choice instead of compulsion
From this place, life begins to respond differently.
This Is the Work I Do
Individuation is not theory to me.
It’s lived.
Integrated.
Embodied.
It’s what I guide clients through when:
• their old strategies stop working
• their nervous system says “no more”
• their soul is asking for something truer
We don’t rush it.
We don’t bypass it.
We don’t perform our way through it.
We build a self that can actually hold the life they want.
The Truth No One Says Out Loud
Individuation can feel like everything slows down - before it finally makes sense.
But those who do this work:
• stop repeating cycles
• stop choosing from fear
• stop confusing intensity with intimacy
• stop abandoning themselves for love or success
They don’t just “heal”.
They become whole.
And from wholeness, everything else reorganises naturally.
Until next time,
Stay Awesome, Stay Unique, Stay in your Power
Elisha 🔥
A Quiet Invitation
If this piece resonates, you don’t need to rush or convince yourself of anything.
You may simply be at a point where the old ways of coping, pushing, or performing are no longer sustainable and something more honest is asking for space.
I offer a free, no-obligation Connection Call for those who feel that pull.
This is not a sales call.
It’s a grounded conversation to:
clarify where you are
sense what’s actually happening beneath the surface
and see whether working together would genuinely serve you
If it’s not aligned, I’ll tell you.
You can explore that here:
FREEDOM OF SELF® - 4-MONTH PRIVATE 1:1 CONTAINER
Freedom of Self® is a private 1:1 container for people who are done trying to fix themselves and ready to come home to who they actually are.
This work is not about mindset, motivation, or surface-level change.
It’s about individuation:
dismantling the false self built for survival
restoring self-trust and internal safety
and building a life that no longer requires self-abandonment
What We Work With
Nervous system regulation and emotional containment
Unravelling long-held survival patterns and roles
Rebuilding a relationship with self that is steady, honest, and embodied
Integrating insight into real life - work, relationships, money, boundaries
The Structure
4 months of private 1:1 support
2 live sessions per month
Monday–Friday voice-note support (grounded, healing, responsive, human)
A slow, attuned pace that allows real reorganisation - not performance
This Container Is For You If:
You’ve done years of inner work but still feel internally fragmented
You’re successful or capable - yet quietly exhausted or disconnected
You’re ready to stop repeating cycles in love, work, or self-worth
You want depth, truth, and integration - not another method
This work is spacious, precise, and deeply stabilising.
We don’t rush transformation.
We build a self that can actually hold the life you want.
If you’re unsure whether this is the right moment, the connection call is the place to start - not commitment, not pressure, just clarity.
